5 Love Languages: Profiles April 25, 2008
Posted by ummibraheem in Marriage.Tags: Gary Chapman, love profile
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I was going to post the whole profile up….but my husband said that might be violating some copyrights….so I’m just posting up a portion of it. You’ll have to buy (or go the library for) the book.
You may think you already know your primary love language. Then again, you may have no clue. The following profile will help you know for certain which love language is yours.
The profile consists of 30 pairs of statements. You can only pick one statement in each pair which best represents your desire. Read each pair of statements, and then, in the right hand column, circle the letter that matches up with the statement you choose.
Allow at least 15 – 30 minutes to complete the profile. (Hehe it took me about 5.) Go back and count the number of times you circled each individual letter. See the end of the profile for results.
The Wife’s Profile
|
1 |
Sweet notes from my husband make me feel good. I love my husband’s hugs. |
A E |
|
2 |
I like to be alone with my husband. I feel loved when my husband washes my car. |
B D |
|
3 |
Receiving special gifts from my husband makes me happy. I enjoy long trips with my husband. |
C B |
|
4 |
I feel loved when my husband helps me with laundry. I like it when my husband touches me. |
D E |
|
5 |
I feel loved when my husband puts his arm around me. I know my husband loves me because he surprises me with gifts. |
E C |
|
6 |
I like going most anywhere with my husband. I like to hold my husband’s hand. |
B E |
|
7 |
I value the gifts my husband gives to me. I love to hear my husband say he loves me. |
C A |
|
8 |
I like for my husband to sit close to me. My husband tells me that I look good, and I like that. |
E A |
|
9 |
Spending time with my husband makes me happy. Even the smallest gift from my husband is important to me. |
B C |
|
10 |
I feel loved when my husband tells me he is proud of me. When my husband helps clean up after a meal, I know that he loves me. |
A D |
Those are just a sample ten…but if you do all 30, you get a good idea of what you would like from your spouse. And if your spouse takes it – you’ll know what they want from you!
Here’s a snippet for
The Husband’s Profile:
|
20 |
My wife deserves an award for all the things she does to help me. I’m sometimes amazed at how thoughtful my wife’s gifts to me are. |
D |
|
21 |
I love having my wife’s undivided attention. Keeping the house clean is an important act of service. |
B |
|
22 |
I look forward to seeing what my wife gives me for my birthday. I never get tired of hearing my wife tell me that I am important to her. |
C A |
|
23 |
My wife lets me know she loves me by giving me gifts. My wife shows her love by helping me catch up on projects around the house. |
C D |
|
24 |
My wife doesn’t interrupt me when I am talking, and I like that. I never get tired of receiving gifts from my wife. |
B |
|
25 |
My wife can tell when I’m tired, and she’s good about asking how she can help. It doesn’t matter where we go, I just like going places with my wife. |
D B |
|
26 |
I love having sex with my wife. I love surprise gifts from my wife. |
E |
|
27 |
My wife’s encouraging words give my confidence. I love to watch movies with my wife. |
A |
|
28 |
I couldn’t ask for any better gifts than the ones my wife gives me. I just can’t keep my hands off my wife. |
C E |
|
29 |
It means a lot to me when my wife helps me despite having other things to do. It makes me feel really good when my wife tells me she appreciates me. |
D |
|
30 |
I love hugging and kissing me wife after we’ve been apart for awhile. I love hearing my wife tell me that she believes in me. |
E |
5 Love Languages: Part 5 April 23, 2008
Posted by ummibraheem in Marriage.Tags: Gary Chapman, kissing while fasting
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Physical Touch
Research shows that babies who are held, hugged and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact. Clearly, physical touch is big part of communicating emotional love.
What is your reaction to someone who is crying? Naturally, you’d go over and give them a hug. If one of your friends is upset and complaining about something to you, a pat on the back seems appropriate. In times of celebration, we hug and kiss each other.
What it is: Even though we are talking about marriage, physical touch does not necessarily mean sex. It is also kissing, hugging, touching, holding hands, a foot massage, etc. Guys may think that their primary love language is sex, but ask yourself this: if your needs for having sex often are met, do you like that your spouse touch, kiss and hug you often otherwise? If the answer is not a resounding “yes!” most likely your primary love language is not sex.
When I attended a lecture by Yassir Fazaqa (and some other well known Imams), he mentioned the three things men like most: 1) sex, 2) doing all else but sex, 3) massages. So, sisters….if you want to please your husband, give him a nice ten minute massage inshaAllah 
) (And brothers, as Yasir Birjas said, “Sometimes, just take the massage and walk away [without it leading to anything else].”
The Prophet sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam once came to ‘Aa`isha to kiss her. She said, “I’m fasting.” The Prophet sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam said, so? I’m fasting too. And then he kissed her.[1]
This part of the book was really interesting to me:
The male is physically pushed to have sexual release on a somewhat regular basis. For the female, sexual desire is rooted in her emotions, not her physiology. There is nothing physically that builds up and pushes her to have intercourse. If she feels loved and admired and appreciated by her husband, then she has a desire to be physically intimate with him. But without the emotional closeness, she may have little physical desire.
Tips if your Spouse’s Primary Love Language is Physical Touch
1. Walk up to your spouse and say, “Have I told you lately that I love you?” Take her in your arms and hug her wile you rub her back. “You are the greatest!” (Resist the temptation to rush to the bedroom). Untangle yourself and move on to the next thing.
2. While your spouse is seated, walk up behind her and give her a shoulder massage. Continue for five minutes unless she begs you to stop.
3. Initiate sex by giving your spouse a foot massage. Continue to other parts as long as your spouse seems pleased by it.
4. Riding down the road together, reach over and touch your spouse on the leg, stomach, arm, hand or…. If he or she says “stop!” by all means, put on the brakes.
5. When your spouse comes home, meet him at the door, give salaam to him and a big hug. (This should be done every day….Also, ask him how work was. If he doesn’t want to discuss it much, let him go and unwind while you prepare a cool drink for him.)
6. Wrap a ribbon around a massage oil bottle and give it to your spouse with a note that says they are in for a 30 minute full body massage at [whatever time if convenient for them].
[1] Fiqh of Love notes, taught by Yaser Birjas
5 Love Languages: Part 4 April 23, 2008
Posted by ummibraheem in Marriage.Tags: communicating love, Gary Chapman, safiyya
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Acts of Service
What it is: Doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. Acts of service are expressing your love to your spouse by serving her and doing things for her.
Acts of service take thought, planning, time, effort and energy. If done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love.
If we look at the lifestyle of the Prophet sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, we know that he helped out at home. He, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, was an ideal husband. One time, the Prophet sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam wanted to help Safiyya radiyallahu ‘anha get on a camel, so he knelt on the floor so that Safiyya could climb onto his leg and get on the camel.[1] Men can try to incorporate this example by opening car doors for their wives. It seems like such a simple gesture (and maybe stupid to some men), but if the husband just does it with a sincere smile, he’ll get some serious brownie points )
On that note, it’s interesting how we slowly drop doing all of the things we did when we were newly weds. Maybe it’s because we have drifted into a secure zone where we feel that those things aren’t necessary to prove our love, or maybe it’s just because we’re so busy that we don’t remember small gestures…but we should remember to always try and keep the spark in our marriages.
In marriage, we cannot demand things of our spouse. If you feel that you know he loves you when he changes the baby’s diaper, don’t demand that he do it.
Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.
Tips if your Spouse’s Primary Love Language is Acts of Service
1. Ask your spouse to make a list of ten things that he or she would like for you to do during the next month. Then ask your spouse to prioritize them 1-10 (1 being most important). Use this list to plan your strategy for a month of love.
2. While your spouse is away, get the kids to help you with some act of service for him. When he returns, he’ll be in for a surprise!
3. Do some major acts of service like washing the car, cooking a meal, painting a bedroom, washing the deck, and then post a sign that reads, “To [spouse’s name], with love.” And sign your name.
4. Periodically ask your spouse, “If I could do one special act of service this week, what would you request?”
[1] Fiqh of Love notes, taught by Shaykh Yaser Birjas
5 Love Languages: Part 3 April 22, 2008
Posted by ummibraheem in Marriage.Tags: Gary Chapman
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Gifts
The author travelled many different places and observed various cultures. In all of them, he saw a commonality: gift giving was part of the love-marriage process. Gifts are a symbol of thought. A gift is something you can hold in your hand and think, “Look, he was thinking of me” or “She remembered me.”
If your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts, you can become a proficient gift giver. In fact, it’s probably the easiest love language!
Gifts can be made, found or bought. They don’t necessarily have to be expensive, simple things such as a home-made treat or handmade items can be great presents.
Tips if your Spouse’s Primary Love Language is Gifts
1. Try a parade of gifts. For example, have a day where you give your spouse something special in the morning before work, and then at lunch have flowers delivered to them and wrap up by presenting them with a present in the evening. If you have the energy, have a week where you give a new present every day.
2. Make your spouse a present by hand! Take a wood-carving class or a pottery class. Your main purpose is to enroll so that you can have a present for your spouse in the end.
3. Keep a “gift idea notebook.” Every time your spouse mentions that they like something, jot it down. They’ll love it when you remembered weeks later!
4. Give your spouse a book on a topic that he likes. Offer to discuss a chapter each week together.
5. Give a lasting tribute – give sadaqah in their name! Sponsor an orphan together (see Islamic Relief’s site). This is a gift that will be give to them in the akhirah also, inshaAllah!
5 Love Languages: Part 2 April 20, 2008
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Quality Time
What is it: Quality time means giving someone your undivided attention.
Togetherness: This is not referring to proximity, but to focused attention. It doesn’t mean gazing into each other eyes (gag me…do people do that?) It is doing something together and giving the other person your full attention. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing, just the fact that you’re doing it together. For example, playing tennis.
Most people who complain that their spouse doesn’t talk (hehe women), don’t necessarily mean that their spouse isn’t saying a word. They mean that they are not sympathetic listeners. This is when your spouse shares experiences, self-revelation and listens to you. Do not analyze what your spouse is saying and offer solutions. For men, if you present them with a problem, they think what you want is a solution. Women just need to be heard; they want to vent. It’s therapeutic for them to just talk things out. (Sometimes, however, they do want a solution….)
Being a good listener is very important to your spouse if quality time is his/her primary love language.
Tips if your Spouse’s Primary Love Language is Quality Time
1. Ask your spouse where she most enjoys sitting when talking to you. The next week, call her one afternoon and say, “I want to make a date with you to sit on (insert favorite place here) and talk. Which night and what time would be best for you?”
2. Think of an activity that your spouse enjoys, but which brings little pleasure to you: sports, crafts, etc. Tell your spouse you want to make a date to do this activity with them. Ask questions while you play and show interest.
3. Make time every day to share what’s going in your life. Make it a point to put away all other work you’re doing and give your spouse your undivided attention.
4. Have a “Let’s review our history” evening once every three months. You can talk about your childhood and your family before marriage, etc.
5. Have a 5 minute halaqa with your spouse. It doesn’t have to be long. Just pick a story from the seerah that you like a lot, or a new companion you heard about, or something new you heard at the khutbah that gave your Imaan a boost.
6. Play the “sahabah game.” My sisters and I “invented” this. We play it like 21 questions. You and your spouse choose a sahabah, or any figure from Islamic history (a prophet, etc), for each other. You each have to guess “who you are” by asking questions. The questions you ask can only have a “yes” or a “no” response.
The Five Love Languages: Part 1 April 18, 2008
Posted by ummibraheem in Marriage.Tags: Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages
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So my hubby reads a lot. He has a lot of books from before he got married, and I was going through them the other day and started reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It was a really nice read. It talks about the five different ways people communicate love – which are: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch.
What speaks volumes to you may be meaningless to your spouse. The most important thing (that I got from this book) is to recognize which language your spouse speaks. The author says that once you identify and learn to speak your spouse’s language, you’ll discover the key to a long-lasting, loving marriage.
These are some short notes on the book. I’ve added some ayaat and hadith where I thought they were relevant, and observations from my own experiences as well.
InshaAllah I will cover each love language in short points, followed by tips on things you can for your spouse if that language is their primary way of communicating love. Also, at the end, I will put up a spouse profile where you can figure out which language is your (and your spouse’s!) love language.
We will begin with:
Words of Affirmation
What it is: verbal compliments and words of appreciation
They are good for your spouse’s well being, self-esteem and self confidence.
They will motivate your spouse to reciprocate with acts of love. For example, saying, “Honey, I really appreciate you taking the trash out for me” as opposed to, “About time! The flies were about to carry it away!” My husband always tells me that the way you say something makes all the difference.
You should encourage your spouse to do things that he/she is interested in. This does NOT mean you should pressure them to do something YOU want them to do.
Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse’s perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse.
We should always speak in Kind Words; avoid sarcasm and being cruel. Do not bring up past failures; don’t keep score. I’ve noticed that a lot of women have a tendency to do this – bringing up what is in the past. This is pointless; we ruin today because of what happened yesterday. Especially if you forgave your spouse for it and the matter was settled, then it is wrong to bring it up again.
“….let them forgive and overlook, do you not wish that Allah should forgive you? For Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (24:22)
Use humble words. Remember to request things of your spouse; not demand. For example, if you are pregnant and very fatigued, say something like, “Sweetie, it would help me out a lot if you vacuumed for me today. I feel really weak today.” as opposed to, “You’re such a lazy husband. Can’t you see I’m pregnant? Do you really think I have the energy to vacuum?”
When you make a request, you are affirming your spouse’s abilities. If you make a demand, on the other hand, you are belittling your spouse.
I personally think that this love language is predominantly mens’ love language, because I think they like to hear that they are appreciated. I could be wrong, though 
Some women tend to nag, and I think if they were just kinder in their words to their husbands (including me!) it would make their lives much easier and make their marriage happier. Same goes the other way around.
Tips if your Spouse’s Primary Love Language is Words of Affirmation
1. Set a goal to give your spouse a different compliment each day for one month.
2. Write a love letter or a poem to your spouse. Put it in a card or make a piece of art out of it and present it to your spouse.
3. Tell your children how great their mother or father is. Do this behind their back and in their presence.
4. Take a hadith which praises a good quality that your husband has and make it into a card/letter/bookmark and give it to your husband.
5. Write him a short email while he’s at work (if he checks his email at work…) – a simple, “I appreciate you” or “thanks for working so hard.”
Remember, words do wonders! It doesn’t even take that much effort! Always be sincere in what you say.
Last Minor Sign of the DOJ: Al-Mehdi April 14, 2008
Posted by ummibraheem in The Hereafter Series: Anwar Al-Awlaki.Tags: mehdi, signs of the day of judgment
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Alhamdulillah, we are finished with this part of the series – the minor signs of the day of judgment. InshaAllah the major signs will follow and be finished up in the last 3 CDs.
52: AlMehdi
Mehdi comes before the destruction of the Ka’bah, but we’re listing him after because he relates the major signs of the day of Judgement, like ‘Isa and Ad-Dajjaal, etc.
The ahadith leave no doubt about the truth of the coming of AlMehdi. We, as the Ummah of Muhammad, believe that there is someone who is called AlMehdi, who will come at the end of time and rule this Ummah with justice, after it was ruled with oppression. (more…)
Du’aa`: I acknowledge my sin, so forgive me April 13, 2008
Posted by ummibraheem in du'aa`.1 comment so far
My husband was telling me about the halaqa the brothers did yesterday. I love halaqas where the attendees actually speak, because one thing leads to another – you discuss a lot of different topics without even planning to and everyone participates and is engaged.
Anyways, so he mentioned that they talked about this amazing du’aa`:
which roughly means:
‘O Allaah, You are my Lord, none has the right to be worshipped except You, You created me and I am You servant and I abide to Your covenant and promise as best I can, I take refuge in You from the evil of which I committed. I acknowledge Your favour upon me and I acknowledge my sin, so forgive me, for verily none can forgive sin except You.’
Whoever recites this with conviction in the evening and dies during that night shall enter Paradise, and whoever recites it with conviction in the morning and dies during that day shall enter Paradise, Al-Bukhaari 7/150. Other reports are in An-Nasaa’i and At-Tirmidhi.
SubhaanAllah, isn’t that amazing? Of course, that doesn’t mean you give up other good deeds…but such simple things like dhikr give you so much ajr!
I was thinking about this some more later….look at the meaning of what you’re saying: “I abide to Your covenant and promise as best I can. ” If we can honestly recite this du’aa`, then that is an amazing thing, and I can see why you would have Jannah…
CD7: SDOJ 39 – 51 April 11, 2008
Posted by ummibraheem in The Hereafter Series: Anwar Al-Awlaki.2 comments
There’s only one more minor sign left - the coming of Mehdi – but I’m tired, so I’m going to post it later
39: The Arabian Peninsula becomes Green with Rivers Again
Again is the keyword.
Imam Muslim narrates that the Prophet sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam said, “The Day of judgement will not occur until the land of the Arabs becomes gardens and rivers again.”
A day will come when the Arabian peninsula will become green, with rivers flowing. These areas include the lands of ‘aad and other parts of Arabia. The Prophet sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam said that it will return to that state. This is a scientific miracle. At the end of the Ice Age, the north and south were capped with ice. Now, scientists are finding out that in some areas – such as the eastern parts of Yemen – there were basins and rivers. (more…)
