Discovering Mars

discoveringmarsI figure writing about Martians would make sense as they are the ones I want to understand šŸ˜€

One thing I repeatedly hear from my husband is that just because he is quiet does not mean he’s ignoring me. When I talk and he doesn’t reply or even acknowledge that I’ve spoken, that is a good thing. Why? Because martians are Mr. Fix Its.

Let me explain. On Mars, power, efficiency, competency and achievements are valued.

Their sense of self is defined by their ability to achieve results.

MenĀ are more interested in objects and things rather than people and feelings. For example, while a woman may fantasize about romance, men fantasize about powerful gadgets (I tried not to laugh at that… šŸ™‚

Another thing that I discoveredĀ — It is important to them that they achieve these goals by themselves. The #1 mistake a woman can make is giving a man unsolicited advice or correcting them –Ā which, simply put,Ā canĀ come across asĀ telling them what to do šŸ˜‰

A man may feel offended by unsolicited advice because he feels that the woman doesn’t trust his ability to do it himself. It can make him feel incompetent, weak and unloved.

On Mars, you rarely talk to others about your problems. Why ask someone else when you can do it yourself? If a Martian does need help, he’ll ask an expert in the area. And the other Martian, honored by the request for help, will quickly put on his Mr. Fix It hat, access the situation and give his professional advice. It’s quite simple, actually (if your brain just works in logical equations and not emotional ones).

And THAT is why a man will stay quiet even after you have finished talking, because he is trying to come up with solutions to your problems. That is his way of showing love.

When women react by getting frustrated at their lack of sympathy/empathy, Martians react negatively because they feel that their advice is rejected and in turn, they feel useless.

Here on Venus

Initially, I wasn’t even going to write about our point of view, but I realized that it’s important to so that we can understand ourselves (if we don’t already!) and also so that we can explain to our spouses in words they can understand why we behave the way we do šŸ˜€

Simply put: Martians are goal oriented, whereas Venesians are relationship oriented.

Women are intuitive and they pride themselves on being considerate of others’ needs and feelings. While Martians may be irritated or offended by advice that wasn’t asked for, Venesians consider it a great sign of love.

While the motto of Martians is: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”, VensiasĀ believe that everything has potential for improvement. Hence wives always trying to subconsciouslyĀ  (or consciously!) improve their husbands šŸ™‚

A big tipper for guys: women don’t talk to get solutions. Well, sometimes they do, but when we are emotional and upset and seem to be blabbering about all kinds of junk, it’s because we want someone to listen. Plain and simple šŸ™‚ As I tell my husband, it’s therapeutic.

So we learned that Martians are problem solving Mr. Fix Its and Venesians areĀ people loving Home Improbers.Ā There’s nothing wrong with that; we’re just wired that way šŸ˜€

Women need to remember that unsolicited advice or criticism,Ā  especially if the guy’s made a mistake, make him feel unloved and controlled. Men need to remember that when women seem upset and they are talking about ther problems, it is not the time to offer solutions. Instead, she just needs to be heard and she will gradually feel better on her own.

PRACTICE!

If you are a woman, practice not giving advice or criticism for a week. I know this is really difficult (being a woman), so maybe talking less in general may help (hmm…that seems to be even harder… :P) To help, here are some phrases to try and avoid:

  1. “You should call a plumber. He’ll know what to do.”
  2. “You should spend more time with the kids. They miss you.”
  3. “You forgot to bring it home again. Maybe you could put it in a special place where you can remember it.”
  4. “Abdullah called for the third time. When are you going to call him back?”

See you next week!

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2 Responses to Discovering Mars

  1. Ken Kendall says:

    While I do know that as men we can be like this quite easily, it doesn’t make it right.

    I write a blog to help men better love their wives. I hope you and all your girlfriends and all their husbands will read it when you have a chance.

    http://whatsheneedsfromyou.wordpress.com

    Thanks

  2. ummibraheem says:

    Hmmm…well, that’s just kind of the way men are. I don’t think it’s about who’s right or wrong. It’s just about understanding your spouse’s perspective.

    Plus, in a relationship, you shouldn’t try and see what your spouse can do for you, you should see what you can do for your spouse (and since I’m a woman, I’m trying to see how I can understand my husband better).

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