So this is part 3 of my Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus series.
Stress Relief: the Cave of Solitude
Men and women cope with stress VERY differently. Men tend to become increasingly focused and withdrawn, while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. Men feel better by solving their problems and women feel better by talking about them 😀
That is because martians are cavemen at heart 😀 A man will retreat to his cave (deep, deep in his cave…) to find a solution to his problem. And he will become so focused on solving his problem that he will temporarily lose awareness of everything else. This translates into becoming distant, forgetful and preoccupied. After all, Martians feel good about themselves when they accomplish goals themselves; there is no reason to bother anyone else. When he does solve his problem, he’ll feel better and reemerge from his cave.
If he can’t find a solution, he will remain stuck in the save. To become unstuck – and to help him focus better – he may solve problems of a smaller degree to help him forget the bigger problem. For example, he may read the news, exercise, etc.
How Women Feel About the Cave
In three words : We hate it 😛
That’s because we feel ignored by his withdrawing and powerless that we can’t “hear a man out” to make him feel better. (Remmeber, it’s all about perspective. For a woman, hearing her out would be helping her). Not talking to her is hurtful because she feels that he doesn’t love her.
Stress Relief: When Women Talk
When women are stressed out, they like to talk. It relaxes and makes a woman feel good when she feels someone is there to listen to her. Men, however, may feel that the woman is blaming him. Because men talk about problems for only two reasons: they are blaming someone or seeking a solution.
Ah, that explains so much 😉
Very simple, ladies: just tell your man that you talk when you are upset because it is a way of siphoning out all those overwhelming emotions, frustration and anger. Once you are emotionally stable, you can deal with your problems. All he has to do is listen and sympathize. (And you may want to add that “listening” translates to “undivided attention” in Venesian).
A few reasons why men get frustrated by our venting sessions:
1. They become impatient by details because they feel that they are necessary to solve the problem. And since men are problem-solvers, they are trying hard to keep up with all of the gibberish we spit out. (Although, I felt like this totally didn’t apply to me…unnecessary details are my pet peeve).
2. He assumes that there is a logical order to the ranting. It’s hard to link up all of the different problems. They are not related at all, in fact.
3. He is looking for the bottom line.
As a woman, we know how we work. Explain the concept of talking to your husband 🙂 Let him know that when you’re upset about something, it reminds you of other problems and suddenly you’re incredibly overwhelmed by everything. All you need is a good ear and some sympathy.
Next time your hubby goes to the cave, let him 🙂 Realize he’s just trying to work though a problem and when he’s ready, he’ll come out. In the mean time, go shopping, listen to a lecture…have some girl time 😉
Also, if your hubby is acting like a space cadet, it’s probably because he’s stressed. Ask him point blank. Makes things easier.