Love Me

kittenThis is part four of my Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus series.

How to Motivate the Opposite Sex

We already talked about how Martians (Men) and Venesians (Women) used to live on different planets and have completely different lifestyles. Well, for Venesians, their way of life was: “I give so you can win.” Martians had a completely different mentality – “I want to win, and I don’t care if you lose.”

When a man is in love, his selfish way of thinking changes, and he is  motivated to be the best he can in order to serve others. Given the oppurtunity to prove his potential, he expresses his best self. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress back to his old, selfish ways.

When a man doesn’t feel that he is making a positive difference in someone else’s life, it’s hard for him to care about his life and relationships. He has to feel needed to be motivated. Not being needed is a slow death for a man.

Women, by nature, are very giving. When they are with a man, they are happy to have someone taking care of them for a change. Basically, men want to love and take care of someone and women want to be loved and taken care of. It works out so perfectly, subhaanAllah 🙂

As a man matures, he learns that he may be giving up himself, but his major change is becoming more aware of how he can succeed in giving. Likewise, as a woman matures, although she learns new strategies for giving, her major changes tend to be learning to set limits in order to receive what she wants.

Giving up Blame

When a woman gives too much, she begins to blame her partner (who is usually oblivious to the situation). Similarly, when a man finds his partner being negative or unreceptive, he begins to blame his partner. Either way, blaming doesn’t help.

When this situation occurs, instead of blaming his female partner for being resentful, a man can be compassionate and offer his support even if she doesn’t ask for it, listen to her even if at first it sounds like blame, and help her to trust and open up to him by doing little things for her to show that he cares.

A woman can show her husband she loves him by forgiving her partner’s imperfections, espcioally when he disappoints her, trust that he wants to give more when he doesn’t offer support, and encourage to give more by appreciating what he does give and continuing to ask for his support.

3 Steps for Healing a Relationship

  1. Motivation
  2. Responsibility: accept responsibility for your share of the down spiral. My mom always says that you can only clap with two hands (it sounds better in Urdu.) That basically means it’s not just one person’s fault 😀
  3. Practice: Know that you’ll both make mistakes. That’s why it’s called practice 😉

Don’t except your man to know what you want and need. They’re not very good at picking up things or knowing them intuitively. Expecting them to know and holding them responsible for it is unrealistic. They’re just not wired that way.

Learning to Receive

Setting limits and receiving are scary for women because they are afraid of rejection, judgment and abandonment. Those things are all very painful for a woman – twofold – because deep in their unconscious, women hold the incorrect belief that they are unworthy of receiving more. This belief was reinforced in childhood, every time she had to suppress her feelings, needs or wishes. (This, by the way, I believe is one of the sick foundations that I hate about desi culture).

Depending on others puts you in a vulnerable position. It’s not easy for a woman to be ignored, forgotten or dismissed, because it reaffirms the incorrect belief that she is not worthy.

It is important, though, to make a distinction between “needing” and “neediness.” “Needing” is openly reaching out for support from a man in a trusting manner, assuming that he will do his best. “Neediness” is desperately needing support because you don’t trust that you will get it. It pushes men away and makes them feel rejected and unappreciated. So I guess the difference is all about trust 🙂

Women need to realize that to have a better relationship, they don’t have to give more. Their partner will give more if they give less. They may not way up and change right away, but awareness is the first step. Setting boundaries is what is important for a woman.

Learning to Give

A man’s biggest fear is that he is not god enough or that he is incompetent. He appears most uncaring when he is afraid.

When a man gives, he risks failure, correction and disapproval. Just like women believe that they don’t deserve to be loved, deep inside, man holds the iccorect belief that he is not good enough. Ironically, the more a man cares, the more he fears failurs, the less he gives.

The first step for a man to learn to give is to realize it’s ok to make mistakes.

It’s ok to fail. He doesn’t have all the answers.

For men, when women complain or are unhappy, they feel like failures. Many women don’t realize how much men need love too. Love helps a man know that he is enough to fulfill others. Let your man know when he’s taking good care of you and that you trust and appreciate him.

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