I was laughing at how quickly I read this chapter, as compared to the last one…Guess I don’t know much about men 😉 Here it is, part 7 of my Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus series….
Women are like waves. A woman’s self esteem rises and falls like a wave. When a woman feels loved, she will reach a peak and then crash down. When the wave rises, she may feel like she can give loads of love, but when the wave comes crashing down, she feels an inner emptiness. At this time, she needs to talk and be heard and understood.
Or, another analogy could be of a well. Women tend to fall deep into an emotional well of negative feelings as part of their intimacy cycle.
A woman’s ability to give and receive love in her relationships is a reflection of how she is feeling about herself.
How to Deal
Since men are Mr. Fix Its, they often make the mistake of trying to tell a woman why she shouldn’t be upset. This is a major no! Telling your wife how to feel – or that she shouldn’t be hurt/angry – is the worst thing to do. At this time, she just wants you to be a good listener and offer love and sympathy. It will help her get past her emotional issues faster.
Also, listening to a woman is not fixing her problem. It simply helps her calm down in the moment and feel more secure in being able to get past her problem. Usually, when a woman hits rock bottom, her deepest, most emotional issues surface An hour or two of love cannot permanently resolve those issues.
A man may become frustrated when listening to a woman doesn’t immediately calm her down. Remember, she has to hit rock bottom before coming back up. So even if a man is listening, a woman may continue to become upset. It may seem to him that he is not helping, when in fact he is. He is helping her to hit rock bottom faster so that she can climb that wave again. Or, as I like to say, it helps to “get it all out.”
As she feels more and more supported at these difficult times, she begins to trust the relationship and is able to journey in and out of her well without conflict in her relationship or struggle in her life.
Just as a man’s intimacy cycle of pulling away is natural, a woman’s intimacy cycle involving a crash is natural. It is not healthy for a woman to suppress these negative feelings.
When negative feelings are suppressed, positive feeling become suppressed as well, and love dies.
Successful Career = No well time?
Men often think that because a woman is successful in the work place, she may not need the time to emotionally house clean. This is not true. In fact, the opposite is true. A woman in the work place is generally exposed to stress and emotional pollution, resulting in a greater need for emotional housecleaning.
One study revealed that a woman’s self-esteem generally rises and falls in a cycle between twenty-one and thirty-five days. Interesting 😀
What if the rubberband and well collide?
If a man needs to pll away, he has to first accept his need to pull away. Listening will make things worse. Next, he should understand her pain. It is not wrong that she needs love right now. Let her know that you need your space, but you will be back soon.
It seems like the man is just getting what he wants here, but the alternative is for him to hang around and the possibilty of a fight. He’ll come back all the better 🙂 And don’t forget, ladies – your girlfriends are always there for you too 😉
If a woman is not supported in being unhappy sometimes then she can never truly be happy. To be genuinely happy requires dipping down into the well to release, heal and purify the emotions. This is a natural and healthy process. If we are to feel the love, happiness and other positive feelings, we must periodically feel anger, sadness and other negative feelings.