This is part 11 of my Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus series. There are only about 2 parts left!
Sorry I have been MIA… I was hoping to do the next post on my AlMaghrib class first, but I figured since I have so many other things waiting around, I’ll get back to it later inshaAllah 😀
Up until now, we’ve been talking primarily (I think!) about good communication between couples. When we’re angry, upset or frustrated, talking easily turns into a fight. Women tend to blame men and make them feel guilty, and men tend to become judgmental of women and their feelings. Talking doesn’t work at times like these.
A more indirect approach is better at this moment. Sit down and write a letter to your partner about how you feel. Writing down your feelings will make you realize how unloving you sound.And writing down your emotions will make you feel better as well, even if you don’t end up giving the letter. It will center you so that you can approach your spouse in a reasonable way.
If you don’t want to literally write it out – that’s ok as well. Just do it mentally in your head. By feeling and expressing your feelings, they will lose their power and positive feelings emerge.
The author gives three steps for the Love Letter process.
Step #1 is to write the letter 😀
There are five emotions to include in the letter: anger, sadness, fear, regret and love. In that order 😉 Always end with love. You can include what you need or want from your spouse in a P.S.
Step #2: the Response Letter
This section was incredibly revealing for me.
Interestingly enough, the author says you should write this out yourself. It can be even more powerful than writing the love letter because it increases our openness to receiving the support we deserve. Also, feeling your own resistance about letting your partner support you will make you more aware of how your partner is feeling.
Sometimes women object to writing Response Letters. They expect their partners to know what to say. They have a hidden feeling that says “I don’t want to tell him what I need; if he really loves me he will know.” In this case, a woman needs to remember that men are from Mars and don’t know what women need; they need to be told. A man’s response is more a reflection of his planet than a mirror of how much he loves her.
Women wonder that if they are telling their man to say it, then does he really mean it? The answer is if he’s trying, then he does care. He may feel awkward or weak, so it is important to appreciate and encourage him at this time.
And teaching our partners what we need is not the only thing to we need to do. We also have to be willing to be supported.
Step #3: sharing your letter
Sharing your letter is important for many reasons. Here are a few:
- It gives your partner the opportunity to support you
- It allows you to get the understanding you need.
- It motivates change in a relationship.
- It helps couples start talking again when communication breaks down.
- It teaches us how to hear negative feelings in a safe way.
The author lists many ways to share the letter. Basically, read it to them or have them read it to you 🙂 Personally, I can’t see myself doing that. The author also gives the option of giving it to your spouse and letting them read it in private.
Realize that your partner still may not react in a way that you wanted them to. That’s ok. Love takes time 🙂 That’s why I personally think that giving the letter to read in private is better – so that both prepare themselves for a not-so-good reaction. And it will also give the reader an opportunity to digest all their feelings before responding.
To the Reader: Whoever reads the letter should realize that the person writing the letter is being vulnerable about their feelings and respond in a supportive way.
To the Writer: Make sincere intentions before you write the letter. Do it to find your positive feelings and give the love that your partner deserves. Do it to understand yourself. Do it because you trust that your partner will care.
Do it to improve your marraige 🙂